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For most of my life, Valerie could take what she wanted and leave me to deal with the consequences. But after she destroyed the one expensive thing I’d ever bought for myself, I finally stopped being the sister everyone expected me to be. From the beginning, Valerie always came first. My mother died giving birth … Read more

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch… First Bull: “I’ve been here five years. I’m not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows.” Second Bull: “I’ve been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I’m keeping all my cows.” Third Bull: “I’ve only been … Read more

The morning after my wife left me, I made her coffee. I didn’t mean to. At 6:10 a.m., my alarm went off out of habit. Still half asleep, I walked into the kitchen, filled the kettle, and reached into the cabinet for 2 mugs. Mine was a dark blue mug with a small chip along … Read more

Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, “I’ll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio.” “Why, that’s right!” said the second man in surprise. “And I’ll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old.” “Right again. But how’d you…..” “And I’ll bet it was done by old … Read more

Part 1 The first words my mother said to me in nineteen years were not “I’m sorry.” They weren’t “How have you been?” or “You look well,” or even “Hello, Rachel.” She stood in the middle of my living room, forty-one floors above Manhattan, with my father at her shoulder and the October rain streaking … Read more

Everyone at my father’s funeral wore black. Everyone except my brother. When Daniel walked into the chapel wearing a bright red suit, I nearly lost my temper. Not burgundy. Not dark crimson. Bright red. I caught him beside Dad’s casket before the service began. “What are you wearing?” Daniel looked exhausted. “Not now, Emily.” “Dad … Read more

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked into the store. The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks. The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says, “Meow”. The cop says, “Oh, it’s only a cat” He kicks the second bag, and the … Read more

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, “Fellas, I’ve got real problems. I’m seventy years old. Every morning at seven o’clock, I get up, and I try to urinate. All day long, I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine, but nothing helps.” The … Read more

Jealous husband to his wife: Honey, where are you? Wife: I’m home. Wife: Of course I am sure. Jealous husband: OK then, turn on the blender. Wife: Oh, OK! (turns the blender on) reeereereee. Jealous husband: Oh, fine then, honey. See you later, bye. Another day, the husband to his wife: Honey, where are you? … Read more

When my best friend, Evelyn, asked me to be her bridesmaid, I felt a mix of excitement and pride. We had been inseparable since high school, and though life had pulled us in different directions after college, I still considered her more like a sister than a friend. When she told me about her engagement, … Read more